The Girlfriend Rules

February 2, 2007

Not mine, but exemplifies a very masculine “dominant” personality that many women will respond to very positively.

The Girlfriend Rules

  1. I will call you “honey”, “baby”, “dear”, “Sweetie” “sugar” “love” and “darling” within the first 5 minutes of our relationship. This doesn’t mean anything, because
  2. I will call 90% of my female (and some of my male) friends “honey”, “baby”, “dear”, “Sweetie” “sugar” “love” and “darling”, too. Don’t get jealous when I do, it means the same thing as when I say it to you: practically nothing.
  3. My mind has just two social settings: FUN and GIRLFRIEND. In the “FUN” mode I am hanging out with my buddies. The “GIRLFRIEND” mode is the one reserved for you, and it is understandably your favorite. If you come hang out with me and my buddies on a social outing, however, my mind will be stuck in the FUN mode, and I will treat you as one of my buddies, nothing more. If this makes you jealous or upset, don’t come.
  4. If you are *not* the hottest girl in your peer group, I *will* hit on your hotter girlfriends. Count on it; don’t worry about it.
  5. If your hot friends are also smarter than you, you should also worry about it.
  6. If you leave your clothes / jewelry / lingerie / shoes at my place for over 90 days, I will assume said articles are of no value to you, and do with them whatever I wish, which may include disposal, giving them away, displaying them as trophies, or using them in an obscure arts and crafts project. Do not assume I did any of these things to hurt you – I have the same rule when my guy friends’ leave their shit at my house for 90+ days.
  7. If you have a hot sister/mom/aunt/niece, don’t expect me to refrain from hitting on her just because she’s family. At the very least, I will look at her “that way”.
  8. If I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood. I’m not a girl; it doesn’t mean I want you to seduce me.
  9. But if you want to seduce me, that’s okay too, you can try. Unless you’re bad at it, then I’ll tell you to stop.
  10. Sex is not as good for me as it is for you; nor is it as important to me as it is to you. I will do my best for you, and I will do a pretty damn good job, but sometimes I just want to cuddle.
  11. Sometimes I just don’t want to cuddle. I have a high metabolism: you radiate body heat after sex; I don’t like to sleep in pools of my own sweat (or yours). Deal with it.
  12. Do not under any circumstances try to make me jealous and therefore pay more attention to you by flirting with another guy (especially one of my male friends). I don’t chase, and because I don’t, your efforts will totally backfire and actually make me less attracted to you in the long run.
  13. Take good care of me. If I am busy, make me some food. If I get sick, go shopping for me and bring me back delicious healthy things to eat and drink. If I seem down, give me a shoulder massage. Whatever you do will come back to you 10 fold.
  14. Although I seem perfectly self-assured and confident (or egocentric and full of myself) I can assure you I have my doubts and moments of self-criticism like everyone else. Don’t be afraid to compliment me every once in a while.
  15. Please, please, please don’t just compliment me on how I look. There is more to me than meets the eye.
  16. If I see you doing unhealthy things, I will call you on it. Don’t get defensive, because I don’t actually expect you to change. I know people better than that.
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