Hair Maintenance and the Heterosexual Relationship

February 1, 2007

I recently had an interesting experience with a girl.

Her stubble – that is, her pubic stubble – actually scratched up my equipment.

This was of course, despite being an absolute reversal of the natural order of things, totally unacceptable. Usually, it is my facial stubble that leaves a girl with some sort of rash, mark or redness….often on her face and neck, not as often (but still occasionally) on her inner thighs.

My policy on pubic hair on girls is just this: No Hair Allowed.

The basic philosophy is as follows: I happen to believe the female genitalia is not the most beautiful portion of anatomy ever designed (or created, however you want to look at it). Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t think the Sceptre and Jewels that we all carry around as men are God’s greatest aesthetic gift to the world either – but all of the above are purely functional, and so who am I to denigrate them?

I also happen to believe female genitalia are much, much more attractive when shaved clean. Call me crazy, but there is something about smooth-shaven female genitalia that ignites the passion and the fiery imagination with delicious dreams of cloistered possibilities. This may have something to do with the fact that hairless female genitalia are, to our visual, animal limbic brains, linked to underage women, and therefore more desirable based on probable linkages with virginity, fertility and voracious youthful vigor.

The reverse image, that is, a view of full and bushy unshaven female privates, and the image that is presented to my occipital cortex seems to carry unbidden associates with dirt, danger and disease. Notice that, when unshaven, the pubic hair occludes a clear view of the female anatomy – just what is hiding back there? Where exactly is all that plumbing located, and how is one to chart a clear course to it? Facing a woman with an unshaven private area is somewhat akin to peering into a dark trackless jungle knowing that, somewhere on the other side, through miles of dangers and potential malaria and at the foot of some long-denuded lofty mountain, lies Montezuma’s treasure – an unknown and unknowable bounty that brings to mind the
fundamental question – is it worth the risk?

Part of my problem, of course, may be childish delusions and an overactive imagination. When I was young — before I had ever had the pleasure of witnessing the fully naked human form, but after I discovered that the female form was, in fact, beautiful to behold — I came to the natural and perfectly obvious conclusion that female genital hair must be blond. Females, at that time being somewhat elevated in my mind (“pedastled”) above the “baser” male and therefore surrounded by a perpetual halo of goodness and unattainable lightness, would undoubtedly possess prettier privates than the grunting, sweaty forms of my male colleagues. This, to me, meant light, sparse, gold-colored pubic hair that brought to mind angelic virginity and delicious pleasures waiting just beyond the gossamer wisps.

My first confrontation with female pubic hair was, of course, a disappointment, and went a long way towards forming the aforementioned estimation of it as essentially dirty (well, it is black, after all) and undesirable.

Notwithstanding the preceeding theories, however, my preference is for clean-shaven women exclusively. Period. Finito. No “landing strip”, no “magic triangle”, no “treasure trail”, no shaved-in initials or lightening bolts or witty phrases – no hair at all, in fact. And while I realize that this is initially uncomfortable for women, and can be expensive and occasionally painful, I also realize that enough young, beautiful women happen to share my feelings on the topic that I do not have to settle for hair when the option of not-hair is so readily available to me.

The cardinal rule is this: once you sleep with a girl, you have accepted the condition of her pubic hair and have no real moral standing with which to request a change. Changes to pubic hair maintenance must be made prior to any intimate liaison if they are to have any solid basis. If a woman has pubic hair and you prefer that she does not, that behavioral (and hygenic) change must be made prior to you giving her the goods in bed. If the woman has a habit of staying clean-shaven and you sleep with her, and you two happen to get into a relationship, and she starts letting it go, you do have moral standing to pull her up short and say, “What’s going on here – This isn’t the deal I agreed to.”

(This property of relationships, one might call it the Law of Steady State, applies to other hygienic and weight issues, as well, but that is an issue for another diary.)

Now, I have heard of some foolish men, who try to change the status quo inside already long-term, well-established relationships. Here is an interesting tactic that I heard about from the girlfriend of one such young man.

This particular fellow, foolhardy in the extreme, first endeavored to grow out his beard for as long as possible, until it was sufficiently thick enough to cause significant facial hair-burn to his girlfriend.

Then, he took to randomly sticking his face against his girlfriend’s skin (her face, neck, chest, arm – any bare flesh he could get his chin on) and rubbed away with gleeful alacrity, no doubt hoping to at worst irritate her, and at best inflict a painful rash (much as my female friend’s stubble recently did to my own tender skin).

Well, as it turns out he did both. His girlfriend was mystified by his behavior until he sprung his cleverly-laid trap on her: “I’ll shave my face if you shave your ____.”

In the retelling of this, to my dismay (and his delight and surprise, no doubt), this actually worked on the girl, having the intended effect that, for the first time EVER, this young woman shaved herself completely clean. After which her boyfriend no doubt proceeded to relentlessly fuck her, overjoyed at his own strategic brilliance.

His girlfriend, in her gory retelling of this plot and its fruits, vowed “never again” – to shave herself, and never again to be caught in this clever, but ultimately doomed, relationship-management attempt.

Given all the above, here’s my current practice. If a girl and I are making out, fooling around, or generally moving down a path towards more intense intimacy, I will slide my hand down for a quick reconnaissance of her most hallowed area. If they are clean and ready for action, the light is going to be green for all manner of intimate encounters – including the highly sought after Agile Tongue With Embedded Rod.

If, however, the Nether Region includes a Jungle, the only course of action allowable with any remote possibility is the rear-entry position (from which the jungle is not so hard to navigate).

These are my rules, and I stand by them. Any potential relationship-material girl I engage with is inevitably faced with the Personal Hygiene talk in which the subject of Hair Maintenance is broached and thoroughly discussed.

As for my own grooming habits? Probably best left as the subject of another diary but, as many girls have told me, “I don’t think a guy should have to spend more time shaving than I do.”

That, dear reader, ought to be more than enough information.

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2 Responses to “Hair Maintenance and the Heterosexual Relationship”

  1. Jordan W Says:

    legend.

  2. Click Says:

    Click
    If a new post becomes available or if perhaps any changes occur on your site, I would love to read more and finding out how to make good usage of those approaches you discuss. Click

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